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Category: Funny Stories (page 4 of 5)

Wisdom From Military Manuals

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” – General MacArthur

“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” – U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.”

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Marine Recruit

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” – USAF Ammo Troop

“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” – Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.”

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

“Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.”

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, … The pilot dies.”

“Never trade luck for skill.”

The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” And “Oh S…! ”

“Friendly fire – isn’t”

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”. The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!” – Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

The Moral of This Story Is….

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?’
‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

This Story Will Blow Your Mind

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Anger Managment

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’

I politely said,
‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
‘Get the right f***ing number!’
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

He said, ‘Yes?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea…

I called asshole #1.

He said, ‘Hello’

I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’
(But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’

I said, ‘Make me.’

He asked, ‘Who are you?’

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said, ‘You’ll what?’

He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’

I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance.
I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

This is Called Bad Luck

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Idiot of the Week

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the Emergency room right away.

The Different Points of View

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for ninner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, nd wathced TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Motorcycle won’t start….can’t figure out why.

How Did This U.S Marine Deal with A Cheating Girlfriend?

Marine

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter for his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back,”

Things Not to do at a Job Interview

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

Brought her large dog to the interview.

Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.

Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office.

Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.

While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.” I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

The Camping Trip

Matt, Scott, Dave and John have been going camping together every summer for years. However this year, Scott’s wife told him he could not go.

On the first night of the camping trip, the other three were surprised to see Scott come walking up. As he pulled up a chair by the fire, Matt asked scott how he got his wife to let him come.

Scott explained,

“I was the weirdest thing. I was sitting there watching sportscenter and my wife calls me into the bedroom. So I got up and went in to see what she wanted. There she was, with nothing on and holding some rope. She said she just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey and she wanted me to tie her up. So I did. Then she said she wanted me to do whatever I wanted….”

“So here he I am.”

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