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Category: Funny Stories (page 3 of 5)

32 Things You Need to Learn

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm front.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Goodbye Daddy

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

The Sad World We Live In

Today in the McDonalds line, a mother and her young son ordered their food. The boy then said, “And I want ice-cream!” She scolded him and said, “You need to eat real food! No ice-cream until you eat your Big Mac!”

Stop Complaining Already

Your car is German. Your vodka is Russian. Your pizza is Italian. Your kebab is Turkish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Brazilian. Your movies are American. Your tea is Tamil. Your shirt is Indian. Your oil is Saudi Arabian. Your electronics are Chinese. Your numbers Arabic, your letter Latin. And you complain your neighbour is an immigrant? Pull yourself together.

Don’t Mess with Marines

A former Sergeant in the marine corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled he time tie to his chest.

Dead silence…..
The rest of the went very smoothly

The Dodgy Interpreter

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs,”Where’s the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood,”He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter’s eyes light up and says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

An Amazing Game Show Idea

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the game men is to find out who isn’t gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the 2 last people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.

Now here’s the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight man.

credit: unknown.

Why You Should Always Wear Underpants in Public

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, She dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and herself staring at her husband what was standing idly by watching.

The R.A.C.Q mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Hilarious Email Gone Wrong

Here’s a hilarious story about an email gone wrong:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planed to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of the hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returning home from her Husband’s funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from realities and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 6th

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S Sure is freaking hot down here!

This Cop Has a Sense of Humor

The person I heard this from (“Al” in the story) swears that it really happened. (And no, I’m not this “Mark” – you should be able to figure out why I chose those names.

Two guys (we’ll call them “Mark” and “Al”) are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they’re on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn’t see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn’t speeding, was I? No, I wasn’t speeding. What’d I do what’d I do?

He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn’t see it! I didn’t mean to run it! I just didn’t see it! Really!

COP: I’ll need to see your driver’s license.

Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he’s wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al’s help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail. After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer’s eye.

AL: You don’t need to see his identification.

COP: [without missing a beat] I don’t need to see his identification.

AL: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

COP: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

AL: He may go on about his business.

COP: You may go on about your business.

AL: Move along.

COP: Move along.

At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.

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