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Category: Funny Stories (page 1 of 5)

“Great” Pickup Lines

  • I’ve just moved you to the top of my to do list.
  • Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
  • I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
  • That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again, if I was on your chest, I would be coming too.
  • Of course theres lots of fish in the sea, but youre the only one Id love to catch and mount back at my place.
  • There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.
  • My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want.
  • Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.
  • Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  • You know, I’d really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
  • Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, “why do airplanes fly?” on his final exams. His one and only final exam question is May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster then the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, “that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true…
Thus hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A in the class.

Marriage

Before Marriage

John – Ah… At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – No! Don’t even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?
John – No! Why are you even asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get!
Jane – Will you hit me?
John – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes
Jane – Darling!

After Marriage

Read from the bottom back to the top

The Husband and The Wife

Dear Husband:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S .If you’re trying to find me, don’ t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for thirty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S.I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed,

You Have to Quit Beer

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

The I caught her spending $65 on makeup.

And I asked how come I had to give stuff and shed didn’t.

She said she needed to makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back

The Upgrade

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

(keep reading)

– – – – -Reply Separator- – – – –

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Economics Explained Using Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of
the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided
with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon
image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy…

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive…

God is Watching

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Thinkers Anonymous

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Here Are 50 Fun Things to Do in Class

  1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”
  2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
  3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
  4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
  5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”
  6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute.”
  7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
  8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
  9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
  10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of the lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask if he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
  11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
  12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
  13. Sing your questions.
  14. Speak only in rhyme and hum the Underdog theme.
  15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”
  16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.
  17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
  18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.
  19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY.”
  20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
  21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
  22. Address the professor as “your excellency.”
  23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
  24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.
  25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
  26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
  27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
  28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.
  29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.
  30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
  31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
  32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
  33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
  34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
  35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
  36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
  37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.
  38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
  39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”
  40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
  41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Sign-up Sheet #5” at the top, and start passing it around the room.
  42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
  43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for “stud.”
  44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”
  45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidentally” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
  46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
  47. In the middle of the lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
  48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
  49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
  50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.
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