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Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, “why do airplanes fly?” on his final exams. His one and only final exam question is May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster then the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, “that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true…
Thus hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A in the class.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?”

Before Marriage

John – Ah… At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – No! Don’t even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?
John – No! Why are you even asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get!
Jane – Will you hit me?
John – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes
Jane – Darling!

After Marriage

Read from the bottom back to the top

Or why you keep losing your money

Dear Husband:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S .If you’re trying to find me, don’ t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was \$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for thirty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S.I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed,

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.

The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, “Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I’m gonna jump off this building.”

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, “Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.”

The Redneck opens his lunch and says, “Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.”

The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.

The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.

The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.

Later, at the funeral the Italian’s wife cries out, “I didn’t know he disliked pastrami so much!”

The Mexican’s wife cries out, “I wish I knew he was so sick of tamales!”

The redneck wife says, “Hey, don’t look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well ………?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38″ DD bust, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, ‘Oh My God.’”

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

The I caught her spending \$65 on makeup.

And I asked how come I had to give stuff and shed didn’t.

She said she needed to makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.